


did you see the fear in my heart?

by unintentionallyangsty



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Thor: Ragnarok (2017) - Fandom
Genre: (minor) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Brodinsons, Brother Feels, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Christmas, Christmas Angst, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Family Feels, Gen, Holiday Angst, Holiday Related Drama, Holidays, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Gets a Hug (Marvel), Loki Lives (Marvel), New Asgard, Panic Attacks, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Protective Thor (Marvel), Self-Harm, Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:42:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27781702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unintentionallyangsty/pseuds/unintentionallyangsty
Summary: During their first winter on Midgard, Thor drags Loki into a nearby town to, following Bruce's suggestion, see how the Midgardians decorate for the holidays.Loki is less than thrilled by the development (and by the idea of celebrating a Midgardian holiday, in the first place), and things reach a breaking point when he finds himself in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by strangers.All but one, that is.
Relationships: Loki & Thor, Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 124





	did you see the fear in my heart?

**Author's Note:**

> hi all! i'm so sorry that it's been so long since i've updated/replied to things. i've been battling finals, the occasional migraine, and a sizable mental health dip courtesy of the holiday season etc. cheers! (also fuck thanksgiving !)
> 
> in any case, what better way to deal with holiday stress than to heavily project onto fictional characters, amirite?? enjoy whatever this is ! xx
> 
> as per usual, **this takes place in New Asgard following Ragnarok and the escape from Asgard on the _Statesman_. Loki is alive and Infinity War has decidedly Not happened.**

“I just don’t see why it’s even necessary.” 

From where he was sat behind the steering wheel of the truck, Thor paused before turning to give Loki an incredulous expression. 

“We’ve discussed it at least three times now.” he intoned a little disbelievingly. 

“And yet you’ve still managed to avoid a suitable explanation.” Loki pointed out. Then added, “Please keep your eye on the road.” when it seemed as if Thor was about to turn to face him entirely. 

Though he muttered something that was probably insulting beneath his breath, Thor complied, and inhaled a long breath before he spoke again. 

“It’s traditional.” he recited, for what was indeed the fourth time since they had piled into the truck and began their descent into the largest neighboring village nearly an hour before. “And it seems important to the Midgardians.” 

“I fail to see why that should make it important to us.” Loki drawled, and heaved a sigh of his own when Thor shot him a look. 

“It’s important to Bruce?” Thor tried again, as if the information would change Loki’s mind on the matter at all. 

(Unfortunately, Loki did have to concede that it might have ever so slightly done just that). 

(Not that he was at all prepared to acknowledge that fact out loud, just yet). 

“So allow him to participate as he wishes and leave us out of it.” Loki snapped and, when Thor simply raised an unimpressed brow at the tirade, he huffed and folded his arms in order to burrow further into his thick parka. 

Were Loki to consider the entire situation too closely, he might admit that he wasn’t entirely sure as to why he felt so adamantly about this. It wasn’t that he particularly cared whether or not Thor or Bruce or whoever else wanted to celebrate a foolish Midgardian holiday (“ _Christmas_ ”, Bruce had called it, his eyes lighting up the way they typically only did when he’d made a particularly long awaited breakthrough in his lab). 

In fact, if Thor was comfortable allowing his people to immediately conform to Midgardian standards not a year into having settled into the realm, Loki was more than happy to stand by and allow them to do as they pleased. 

So long as they didn’t drag him into the idiocy, which, of course, seemed to be exactly what Thor intended to do. 

“Loki,” Thor chided at length, and, though he kept his gaze obediently on the road, he offered an exaggerated pout. “It’s really not so bad. Bruce compared the holiday to our own Mid-Winter feasts, after all! Even you enjoyed those.” 

Something ugly flared within Loki at the words, and he found that the next scowl on his face came easily. 

“If by ‘enjoy’ you mean sit and watch you make a drunken fool of yourself with your companions then, yes, brother, I did enjoy myself thoroughly.” 

Though he kept his gaze locked resolutely on the dashboard at his knees, Loki could not help but catch sight of the flash of hurt on Thor’s face at the words out the corner of his eye, and felt something like regret curdle in his stomach a moment later. 

Which, he considered, wasn’t at all fair. He should be allowed to feel frustrated at the idea of comparing one of Asgard’s oldest celebrations to a Midgardian custom that hadn’t been in place even a quarter of that time without feeling as if he’d kicked a particularly helpless puppy simply by having his opinion. 

Nevermind the fact that _why_ he felt indignant at the idea at all remained something of a mystery. It wasn’t as if he was particularly fond of Asgard’s Mid-Winter celebrations, at any rate. 

“I don’t know why you have to insist upon being so stubborn.” The frown in Thor’s voice was evident, when he spoke again. “If you allowed yourself to relax even a bit you might actually find that you like something, for once.” 

For some reason, the words caused a surge of disappointment to well within Loki’s chest, though he carefully schooled his expression into something neutral.

“I’m perfectly relaxed.” he pointed out, though the words sounded weak even to his own ears. 

And, if Thor’s snort was anything to go by, this had not gone unnoticed. 

“Sure,” Thor dismissed with little humor. “Whatever you say, Loki.” 

It was clearly intended as a close of the conversation, and Loki felt that familiar regret sour at the back of his throat again at the thought. 

He didn’t want to fight, loathe as he was to admit it. Not really. 

On the contrary, since they had begun settling into New Asgard a number of months before, Loki had found that his once ever-present desire to fight with and his brother had, at some point, dwindled into something almost non-existent. 

Whether this was a product of the tremulous peace that had settled between them since his returning to the _Statesman_ following Ragnarok, or simply because it now seemed that any animosity toward each other was too potent, now; too filled with double meanings and uncertainty to be considered entirely casual, Loki didn’t know. 

This being said, the lack of desire to poke and prod and dig his heels in did not seem to at all deter the fact that this seemed to be all he was capable of doing, regardless. 

The thought lingering unpleasantly at the back of his mind, Loki took a deep breath and forced himself to count backward from ten before he turned to face his brother, again. 

“Remind me why we’re going into town?” he attempted, the words sounding clumsy on his tongue, nevermind the fact that Thor had ‘reminded’ him twice already. 

The effort was well worth it, however, for not a moment later Thor brightened, the small smile on his face not without a hint of surprise. 

“Bruce suggested that we take a look at how the surrounding villages are decorating.” Thor informed, sounding far more at ease now than he had even a moment before. “We might be able to pattern ours after them.”

_Then why doesn’t he do it?_ Loki wanted to retort, though he swallowed the urge back with a grimace. 

“And you thought it would be a good idea to bring me along?” he ventured instead, unable to keep the dryness from coloring his tone. 

Not that it did anything to dampen Thor’s spirits, it seemed, if the bright smile he received in reply was anything to go by. 

“Even you have to admit that you have a keen eye for decorating, brother.” Thor pointed out.

Loki shot him a look, and refrained from pointing out the fact that Thor and his friends had informed him of such a talent many times in the past, though each had been with a distinctly more mocking tone than was used now. 

It would, he knew, do little good in the long run. 

“Remember how you used to help mother select floral arrangements for the Mid-Winter feast?” Thor continued, his tone slightly wistful with the memory. 

Loki did, though he felt little more than a sudden wave of bitterness at the thought. 

He felt oddly disconnected, and had since Bruce had brought up the idea of the Midgardian holiday the afternoon before, the muscles of his shoulders and at the back of his throat uncomfortably tight.

At present, he found that he could only offer a non-committal hum in reply to Thor’s query. 

“I thought that maybe you could do something similar for the village.” Thor ventured, his voice almost unbearably hopeful. “It could be a sort of mixture of the two occasions. A bit of both.” 

Though the words were poised on the tip of his tongue, Loki found that he was unable to inform Thor of just how little he wanted to do with the any Midgardian holiday at all, much less one that allegedly resembled an Asgardian celebration he had spent the last four years as “Odin” pointedly avoiding. 

The almost hesitant way Thor had inquired, however, coupled with the small, hopeful grin he shot Loki as he pulled the truck to a stop just outside the city, had any protest Loki might have considered imparting drying on his tongue. 

Loki hesitated, and bit his lip thoughtfully for a moment before glancing away to roll his eyes with a small sigh. 

“Fine,” he agreed, pointedly avoiding looking directly at Thor’s subsequently gleeful expression. 

“Excellent!” Thor cried, and leaned forward to jostle his shoulder before Loki could quite duck out from beneath the touch. “I knew you’d be eager to help.” 

“Define eager.” Loki sniffed with an air of exaggerated reluctance. “Besides, it’s not as if I could ignore a direct order from my king.”

He was rewarded with a delighted chuckle, though Thor’s next shove was decidedly less gentle. 

“You could, and we both know it.” Thor informed, and offered another grin before turning to exit the truck entirely.

Loki huffed slightly, allowing himself another few moments to bask in the silence and warmth of the now otherwise empty car. 

He watched, brows slightly furrowed, as a small group of Midgardians hurried by, their laughter puffing visibly out before them in the chilled December air as they hustled into the heart of the village. 

Thor too, seemed to have noticed the commotion, and watched the small group depart before turning back to the truck. 

“Hurry up!” he called, voice muffled, and Loki rolled his eyes again before moving to do as bidden. 

The light dusting of snow on the ground crunched slightly beneath Loki’s feet as he stepped out into the brisk afternoon air, and he shivered slightly as he moved forward to join Thor, forcing himself to take a deep breath and swallow back the distinct feeling that he was going to regret this. 

\---

The village was crowded. 

Loki wasn’t entirely sure why, but he hadn’t been expecting the amount of energy that seemed to be bursting from practically each corner and building, the minute they’d set foot in the town square. 

On Asgard, the Mid-Winter celebrations had lasted longer than a Midgardian month, and the entirety of the city surrounding the palace had teemed with life and excitement, the noise of excited chatter and laughter ringing out long into the evenings. 

Loki could remember many nights spent with a pillow over his head or, later, when he’d mastered the spell, a silencing ward set on his rooms, in order to guarantee himself a rare, uninterrupted evening of rest during the seemingly endless festivities. 

He had never been overly fond of feasts and celebrations on Asgard, and could remember spending most of those he had attended either lingering at the very edge of the grand halls, wishing to return to his books and spells, or yawning his way through another one of Odin’s repetitive speeches or the bards waxing about another one of Thor’s victories.

Loki lamented silently to himself now, as he watched Thor take in the surrounding decorations and festivities with a fascinated, wide eyed gaze, that he had never been made for grand halls or parties the way his brother seemed to be. 

While Loki had studied until he had nearly gone cross eyed in order to achieve a level of diplomacy and respect that was expected of an Asgardian Prince, Thor had excelled with people in a seemingly effortless way that Loki knew he could never even dream of achieving. 

A silver tongue could only get him so far, after all, when one could sense that the owner was hardly interested in the conversation at hand, or the individual with whom it was being conducted. 

Besides, Loki considered as he forced a small smile in order to match the luminous one Thor turned on him, it was painfully obvious who, between the two of them, actually enjoyed celebrations and festivities. 

“I think Bruce was definitely onto something.” Thor was saying as he gestured up to a particularly grand bouquet of greenery hung over the doorway to a shop on the corner. “We could easily do something like that in the village. Perhaps over the school hall?” his eye widened slightly, then, and he turned to shoot Loki another grin. “Could you do it? The children would love it, Loki!” 

Loki blinked slightly at the pure glee on his brother’s face, and found that he had to avert his own gaze, after another moment, as if being faced with Thor’s wide grin was comparable to staring into direct sunlight for too long. 

“It should be easy enough.” Loki agreed, and felt something within him stutter when Thor’s grin widened so far his cheeks dimpled slightly with the force of it. 

For a moment, Loki was afraid Thor would cheer outright in his triumph, and he nearly winced in preparation. 

As it was, Thor simply bounced a bit before surging forward to place one hand tightly and warmly to the side of Loki’s neck, and Loki found that he couldn’t quite force himself to step back and out from beneath the touch. 

“See, you’re getting into it, already!” Thor crowed, his thumb warm and dry against the jut of Loki’s jaw as he shook him gently. “I told you this was a good idea.”

“A matter of perspective.” Loki drawled, before raising two fingers to press slightly at Thor’s wrist, the prolonged contact making goose flesh rise along the skin at the back of his neck. 

“Still can’t admit when you’re having fun, can you?” Thor rolled his eye, though he removed his hand almost immediately, and turned back to study the storefront, a glimmer of glee still sparkling behind his gaze. 

“I’m going in.” he declared abruptly. 

Loki blinked again. “What?” 

“I’m going in.” Thor repeated, and gestured to the store before them. “Into the store. Bruce said that gift giving was also common during the celebration!” 

“And you intend to fulfill it all now?” Loki shook his head slightly, his stomach twisting into a small knot at the very idea of entering the small shop that, at a second glance, seemed to be near to bursting with people. 

“Perhaps not.” Thor shrugged slightly. “Though I wouldn’t mind getting a head start.” 

“If you intend to purchase gifts for everyone you know, then I can’t blame you.” Loki admitted, and rolled his shoulders slightly before taking a small step backward and nodding toward the store. “Enjoy yourself, then.” 

Immediately, Thor stilled, and the small, content smile that had been fixed firmly on his face dimmed somewhat.

And, if that weren’t enough to cause remorse to begin to bubble within Loki’s chest, Thor’s tone was notably disappointed as he inquired, “Aren’t you coming?” 

Loki grimaced slightly at the question, and turned back to face the store again.

Almost at once, his mind conjured forth the image of him in the middle of a tightly packed feast hall, bowing slightly to yet another nobleman as he was crowded from the sides and back by a sea of faceless individuals, their elbows at his ribs and clothing brushing his arms as they hastened past. 

Fighting off a visible shudder, now, Loki swallowed thickly and shook his head. 

“I think that it would perhaps be best if I remained out here.” he admitted after a moment and, before Thor’s expression could fall any further, quickly tacked on, “Be sure to find something nice for the Valkyrie. I fear she’ll never forgive you if you misstep there.” 

“She’ll be the easiest to find something for.” Thor scoffed, before sobering slightly and turning to peg Loki with a long, considering look. “You sure you’ll be alright?” 

Loki nodded quickly, and tried valiantly not to allow his relief to show on his face. “I’ll be fine.” he dismissed quickly, and moved forward to nudge Thor gently with his elbow. “I’ll be right here.” 

“Alright,” Thor agreed warily. He offered a small smile, then, before striding away and toward the entrance to the shop with a notable lightness to his step. 

Loki huffed a small, exasperated laugh at the sight, and made sure to keep his gaze trained carefully on his brother’s retreating figure as he disappeared into the interior of the shop. 

Only then did Loki allow himself to inhale deeply, and held the breath for a long moment before exhaling a gust that clouded visibly before him. 

It had grown dark sometime in the past hour, and Loki watched with a distant sort of fascination at the electric lights, shaped to resemble traditional wax candles, begun to flicker to life at the rooftops of the buildings lining the street and the lamp posts at each corner. 

Rather than dwindle as the evening rolled in, however, the crowds on the streets seemed to have increased slightly, the laughter and chatter that had been a gentle murmur in the background before now growing into something almost unpleasantly thunderous. 

Loki felt his stomach turn slightly at the sound, and found himself automatically taking a step back so that the length of his back was pressed almost entirely against the cold metal of a nearby lamp post, his shoulders hunched nearly to his ears as he watched another small group pour out of a nearby bar and hasten by, far too close for comfort. 

Almost without realizing he was doing it, Loki cast a quick glance toward the shop Thor had entered moments before, his chest tightening slightly when he could not catch sight of his brother even through the wide window at the front of the store. 

It was no matter, he reminded himself firmly. No doubt, Thor’s somewhat flighty attention span would give out sooner rather than later, at which point Loki would most likely be able to convince him that they should make their departure, in order to make it back to New Asgard before the night grew too long. 

Oddly, the idea of piling back into the warm interior of the truck and driving back to their village in relative silence was a comforting one, and Loki latched onto it as he forced himself to heave another deep and steadying breath. 

Abruptly, another figure staggered closer, the smell of cheap wine rolling off of them in waves, and let out a raucous laugh loud and jarring enough that Loki found himself skittering back another step, his attempted inhale breaking off into something a little more stuttered. 

_No_ , he thought, a little wildly, as he choked on another inhale. This was stupid. This was _Midgard_. A tiny Midgardian village in the middle of a small Midgardian country. 

_Pathetic_. 

And Thor was _right there_ , Loki reminded himself, in spite of the shame he could feel curling within his gut at his having needed to do so at all. He would be right out. He would--

Loki’s next inhale broke off into an audible gag, and he automatically raised a hand to tug a little frantically at the thick woolen scarf Thor had insisted that he wind tightly around his neck before they had left that afternoon. 

It was too _much_ , he decided. The sound of the casual conversations around him had grown into a dull roar, mingling nauseatingly with the music that could be heard pouring from the bar behind him and the various shops along the row. 

_Too much,_ Loki thought again, and distantly registered the sensation of his dull nails digging roughly into the skin at the side of his neck. _Too much, too much, too-_ -

“Excuse me?” all at once, Loki’s thoughts came to a screeching halt, and he felt his eyes widen as they landed on the woman who had stopped before him, her fine brows furrowed together as she surveyed him warily. 

In the dim light of the street lamp above, the woman’s golden curls glowed like a halo around her head, and they tumbled lazily about her shoulders as she leaned slightly closer. 

“You don’t look well.” she commented, and began to twist her hands nervously before her. “Are you well?” 

Too _much_. 

With a sharp gust of an exhale, Loki took another clumsy step backward, and felt a slight pang lace through his chest when the woman’s features creased further at the movement, the expression painfully familiar, yet simultaneously almost entirely foreign. 

( _“Please, don’t make this worse.”_ )

“N--No.” Loki grit out, and shook his head a bit wildly. “ _No_.” 

The woman looked a bit alarmed at the exclamation and, to Loki’s horror, took a small step closer. 

“Can I call someone?” she insisted. “You--” 

“No!” Loki snarled. He couldn’t draw breath, he realized with a sudden wave of dizziness. 

A sensation that was not helped by the almost wounded expression on the woman’s face, now. 

“St--stay away.” Loki commanded roughly, his throat feeling as if he had swallowed glass. “Stay--Leave me alone.” 

Before he could see how the woman might react, Loki turned on his heel and took a halting step away, nearly stumbling once before he promptly decided to drop whatever pretenses of pride he might have had left to cling to, and fairly sprinted out and away from the crowd. 

For a few moments, his mind went blissfully blank, and Loki hardly registered the curious glances shot his way as he staggered into the dark of the evening. 

It was hardly the first time it had happened, yet Loki could not shake the vague sense of discomfort he could feel settling into the pit of his stomach when, an interminable amount of time later, reality filtered back in and he found himself near-collapsed against a damp brick wall in some back alley, one hand clenched in the fabric of his jacket at the chest as he fought to regain his breath. 

Wherever his feet had decided to deposit him seemed a good distance away from the milling crowds of the street he had been on, however, and for that Loki was grateful. 

In the dark of the alley, the voices of the hoards of Midgardians were a distant echo, and the music was hardly a memory, now. 

Despite the newfound silence, however, Loki found that he could not quite draw in enough air to fill his lungs, and, before he could quite register the action, fell forward to brace his elbows on his knees as he continued to gasp. 

After another few moments, he felt the unmistakable warmth of tears splattering at the skin of his hands and, though no one was here to witness the weakness, Loki could not ignore the shame curdling within his stomach at the realization. 

Which was, of course, when a distant call registered at the back of his consciousness. 

“Loki!” 

_Damn_. 

Before Loki could so much as prepare himself to straighten, a figure stumbled to a halt at the entrance to the alley, the light from the street beyond illuminating their somewhat imposing silhouette, and exhaled a muttered curse before hastening forward. 

“What happened?” Thor demanded the second he reached Loki’s side, nevermind the fact that Loki hardly had the breath to answer. 

Nevermind the fact that he hardly _wanted_ to. 

Not, he considered ruefully, that he could exactly get out of doing just that, at this point. 

“Loki?” Thor was saying, one large hand coming up to grip at Loki’s shoulder with considerable force. “ _Answer_ me. What’s wrong?” 

Had he had the wits about him, Loki might have huffed a laugh at the almost comically predictable reaction. 

As it was, he simply gagged on another inhale, and the shame within his gut surged again when he felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes. 

Abruptly, Thor’s features softened, and Loki noted distantly that the grip at his shoulder had loosened, as well. 

“Are--” Thor shook his head slightly, and leaned further forward so that he could meet Loki’s eyes with less difficulty. “Are you alright, Loki?” 

“I--” Loki shook his head, and barked something uncomfortably close to a sob as his next attempted inhale caught on the lingering weight within his lungs. 

He could _do this_ , he thought irritably. This was nothing. He could--

He couldn’t _breathe_. 

“I--I can’t--” Loki gasped. “I can’t--guh--” 

“Alright,” Thor interrupted, his tone lower and far gentler than Loki could have remembered having heard it in a long while. “Alright Loki, that’s alright. Here--” 

He broke off to shift back a step, and Loki was gripped with a sudden fear that he was going to disappear entirely, so strong he nearly fell forward with the force of it. 

Something of the emotion must have shown on his face, for not a moment later Thor was moving back forward and, to Loki’s horror, falling forward so that he was crouched beside Loki. 

Loki, who was on his knees in the dirt and ice below, though he could not recall in the slightest when that had happened. 

“No,” Thor was saying, his tone a little frantic as Loki gasped again. “It’s alright. I’m not going anywhere. Just,” he reached out a hand, then, and grasped one of Loki’s own tightly. 

“Shh shh.” Thor soothed, and drew their joined hands toward himself, so slowly Loki hardly registered the movement, so that Loki’s trembling hand was pressed to his chest. 

“With me, alright?” Thor offered a small, tremulous sort of smile. “Breathe with me.” 

He drew in a long, steady breath then, his chest expanding beneath Loki’s fingers, and held it for a long moment before exhaling softly. 

Loki swallowed, and bit his lip roughly before attempting to mimic the breath. 

The inhale stuttered once, twice, and Loki let out another rough and frustrated sob as he fell slightly further forward in an attempt to curl into himself. 

“No!” Thor cried, a little louder than he had intended, if his small wince following the cry was anything to go by. 

“It’s alright!” he amended, a moment later. “Try again. With me.” 

Immediately, he inhaled again and, after a brief pause, Loki found himself doing the same. 

“Good!” Thor cheered softly, his grin cracking slightly at the edges. “Good job, Loki. Let’s--let’s go again.” 

They remained like that for another eight inhales, and another eight exhales, Thor whispering gentle reassurances each time Loki’s own breaths stuttered, balancing uncertainly between evening out and spiralling back out of control. 

Distantly, Loki began to register the sharp cold of the gravel below biting into his knees, and a dimmer pain heating the patch of skin between his collar and jaw at the right side of his neck. 

The most prominent sensation at the moment, however, was the solid warmth of Thor’s still steadily rising and falling chest, beneath Loki’s faintly trembling hand. 

Loki must have reacted in some way, for not a moment later Thor was leaning forward to catch his wayward gaze. 

“Loki?” he inquired gently. “Are you…” 

“I--” Loki grimaced at the roughness of his own tone, and nodded once, twice, before continuing, “I’m fine.” 

He kept his gaze fixed pointedly on his knees, however, rather than meet Thor’s own, no doubt pitying one. 

He was caught almost entirely off guard, therefore, when Thor surged forward a moment later, one hand gripping at the (uninjured) side of Loki’s neck to draw him into a rough embrace. 

“Good,” Thor replied, his own voice sounding slightly unsteady, now. “I don’t believe you, but-- _Norns_ , Loki.” he gasped, and turned to bury his face into the hair at the side of Loki’s head. 

“You scared me.” he whispered, so lowly Loki wouldn’t have heard him at all, were they not pressed so close.

From where his face was tucked tightly into the space between Thor’s neck and shoulder, Loki bit his lip again, and fought to keep his next inhale steady as Thor tugged him slightly closer. 

“I’m fine.” he repeated, after a moment, though his tone was lower and far less convincing than he would have liked. “I’m alright.” 

And, though the points of contact between the two of them were beginning to prickle uncomfortably, as they always did when Thor’s touch lingered too long, Loki realized that any attempts he might have made to break out of the hold at the moment would have been largely unsuccessful. 

What was more surprising, however, was the following realization that he did not _want_ to break out of the hold at all. Not just yet. 

It was with the thought firmly in mind that Loki allowed himself to relax minutely into Thor’s arms, though any hope of the movement going unnoticed was quickly dashed when Thor exhaled tremulously almost immediately, before turning to press a long kiss to Loki’s temple.

“I’m alright,” Loki repeated, and could not quite stop himself from leaning into the touch. 

Thor hummed. “I’m glad.” 

\---

Later, in the warm interior of the truck, the only sound between them the low rumble of the car’s engine, Thor finally turned to give Loki a long, considering look. 

“What was it?” he inquired, lowly, the words nearly inaudible. “I haven’t seen you that worked up since…” he trailed off, though Loki could mentally complete the sentence well enough. 

Since the _Statesman_ , where the close quarters were unfamiliar and tight enough to agitate everyone, not the least of all Loki himself. 

He had lost track of the amount of times he had awoken on the ship, gasping on the clinging memories of a night terror as Thor had hovered over his bedroll, awkward at first, before slowly developing a mantra he would repeat in order to help calm Loki’s panic, not dissimilar to how he’d spoken in the alley.

It had been a while since things had gotten quite that drastic, however, and the realization made Loki slightly sick. 

For want of anything better to do, he swallowed thickly, and hesitated before turning to meet Thor’s gaze. 

“Eye on the road.” he reminded weakly, and nearly chuckled when Thor hastened to do as bidden. 

“Well?” Thor prodded, making Loki grimace slightly. 

He should have known that this wasn’t a conversation Thor would allow to drop so easily. 

“It was nothing.” he dismissed, and pointedly glanced away from Thor’s sharp frown. “Merely an unpleasant memory.” 

If anything, Thor’s frown only grew slightly at the dismissal. 

“Since yesterday?” 

Loki blinked. “Pardon?” 

“Yesterday,” Thor reiterated. “You’ve been--I don’t know. Tense, I suppose, since then. Is that when it started?” 

“I--” Loki faltered, his brow furrowing in surprise at his brother’s uncharacteristic observation. 

Then again, he considered, it was hardly uncharacteristic, anymore. Thor had simply grown infinitely more perceptive when he himself had not been paying attention. 

Now, however, he was hardly thankful for the development. 

“It was the holiday suggestion, wasn’t it?” Thor spoke, clearly taking Loki’s silence for avoidance. “What don’t you like about it?” 

“You’re beginning to alarm me.” Loki replied drily. “I’ve never known you to observe so much in one interaction.” 

Rather than rise to the challenge, however, Thor scowled slightly. 

“Stop deflecting.” he warned. 

Loki huffed slightly, though the sound was slightly humorless. 

“I merely…” he paused, and carefully considered his next words before continuing, “Perhaps I am not...fond of the idea.” 

To his surprise, Thor snorted slightly.

“That’s an understatement.” he muttered, before sobering slightly. 

“Is...is it because of Midgard?” he ventured, after a beat of silence. 

Loki opened his mouth to disagree (because it wasn’t, not really), only for it to fall shut a moment later. 

Because it was, in a way. Sort of. 

“In a way,” Loki decided on, for lack of a better way to phrase the information he could feel forming an infuriating tangle at the forefront of his mind. “But, it’s also--” 

“It’s also Asgard.” Thor finished for him, when the silence began to stretch too long between them. 

Something at the back of Loki’s throat tightened dangerously, and he found he could offer little more than a small nod in reply. 

Beside him, Thor let out a slow breath, and nodded, as if carefully mulling the words over. 

Another first, Loki thought wryly. 

“I’m sorry.” Thor burst out, after another beat. “That I--That I didn’t realize sooner. And that I forced you to--” 

“It’s fine.” Loki interrupted, if for nothing more than to save Thor from his own obvious misery. “Truly,” he added, when Thor shot him a disbelieving look. 

“After everything, brother.” Thor murmured. “You still haven’t learned that you don’t have to hide when you’re not fine.” The smile he offered was melancholy, and it tightened at the edges as his gaze flickered briefly down to the scratch marks Loki had dug into the side of his neck. “Not from me.” 

The tightness at the back of Loki’s throat, as well as the space between his lungs, was back, and Loki found that he had to glance abruptly away in order to draw his next breath evenly. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Thor pressed, when it became clear that Loki was not going to offer a verbal reply. “What happened in the village, I mean? You looked like you’d seen a ghost.” 

Immediately, Loki felt his stomach churn almost violently, and he found himself shaking his head with an amount of vehemence that nearly startled him. 

“I--” he swallowed. “Not--not yet.” 

There was silence, then, and Loki sent up a brief prayer that Thor would let the issue drop. 

For the time being, at the very least, for Loki did not think that he could even consider the evening too closely without falling apart at the seams, again. 

Potentially irreversibly, this time. 

It was to his great relief, therefore, that Thor let out a small sigh and a quiet, “Alright,”, not a moment later. 

At the sound, Loki let out a gust of a breath he hadn’t even realized he had been holding, and allowed his eyes to slip shut as he leaned wearily against the headrest of his seat. 

He felt drawn and empty and, above all else, tired down to his very bones.

Thor seemed to sense this, for his next words were far quieter. 

“Do you want us to stop?” he questioned. “We don’t have to do a celebration. Not if--” 

“It’s fine.” Loki cut in, and forced himself to open his eyes to shoot Thor a chiding look. “It’ll be good to reestablish a sense of normalcy for the--for your people.” 

It was clear by the slight frown marring Thor’s features that he had not missed the slip, though he did not comment, for which Loki was grateful. 

“And for you?” he pressed, instead. “Will it be alright for you?” 

Something warm and pleasant flared to life within Loki’s chest at the inquiry, though it was not without a healthy dose of surprise, as well. 

“It--” he faltered. “It will.” 

Thor raised a disbelieving brow. 

“It _will_.” Loki insisted, before Thor could retaliate, and glanced down to study where his hands were twisted together in his lap. 

“It’ll be--” he swallowed slightly. “I think it’ll be--be good.” 

Thor hummed thoughtfully in reply, and there was a brief stretch of silence, before he spoke again. 

“And I’ll be here.” he murmured, the rest of the sentence going unspoken. 

_If you need to talk,_ Or, _If you want._

Or, perhaps, _If you need me_.

Loki glanced up in surprise, only to be met by a small, hesitant smile on his brother’s face. 

One he found he had little difficulty mirroring, this time.

“You will.” 

**Author's Note:**

> so this may or may not evolve into a small series of little snippets/stories involving the Revengers and their first holiday season on Midgard. probably some fluff, definitely some angst, etc. but, for now, i hope you enjoyed this little one shot. 
> 
> again, i'm so sorry it's been so long since i've updated/replied to comments/asks! i should (hopefully) be back to posting more regularly !
> 
> [my tumblr !](http://littlekinng.tumblr.com) xx


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